Relaxation, my TEDx Talk & the Tale of a Kayak

On stage at TEDx Carleton College

On October 12, I had the pleasure of participating in the TEDx Carleton College conference in Northfield, MN. I presented on Relaxation--a core principles of The Art of Living Naturally. The main message from my talk is that relaxation is a key to optimal performance, especially under challenging circumstances.

Click here to Tweet this message
"Relaxation is a key to optimal performance @JonathanPoppele presenting at the TEDx Carleton College conference."

And watch my TEDx Talk here on YouTube

In preparing for my talk, I had no idea that the day of the conference would give me a powerful opportunity to practice what I was sharing. Nor could I guess how the story would unfold into my participating in an online video contest to replace a stolen kayak. Here is the story, and how you can help.

A Challenging Start to the Day

I was well prepared for my talk. I had practiced, gotten feedback from a speech coach, and rehearsed on stage a few days before. But I was not prepared for what happened that morning.

I walked out of my house on October 12 in the early dawn light to find an empty parking space where my car had been the night before. Five minutes before I needed to be on the road to Northfield, I discovered my car had been stolen. In the trunk of the car was a brand new folding kayak.

My civic. With a different boat...

I own a '95 Honda Civic. It is a reliable, fuel efficient vehicle. It is also the most commonly stolen car model in the United States. I knew this, and so I "always" kept my car in the garage. I would  only park on the street when I was heading out again the same day. A few days earlier, I had gone kayaking in the afternoon and planned to go out with with my wife, Meredith, in the evening. At the last minute, we decided to take her car instead of mine. I didn't have any need to drive for the next couple days, and the car stayed on the street. Then it disappeared the morning of the conference.

Meredith drove us down to the TEDx conference while I called the police to report my car stolen. It turned out that the police could only take a stolen vehicle report in person. No reports over the phone. I explained that I was on the road and heading out of town and asked if someone else could give the report. No, only the registered owner. What could I do? Call again when I got back. Any chance for an exception? No exceptions.

And so my TEDx day began.

A Much-Loved Kayak

Meredith in our Oru Kayak

I was upset about my car disappearing, but even more upset about the kayak. It was called an Oru Kayak. It was the creation of San Francisco architect and designer Anton Willis. Using origami-style folds, it collapses into a compact case that easily fits in the trunk of a Honda Civic--for better or worse. I had learned about Oru Kayak on Kickstarter last year. I loved the idea and became an early backer of the company. The boat arrived in late July. It was numbered #49 and was signed by Anton.

The Oru Kayak had sentimental value as well. I originally purchased it for Meredith's and my first wedding anniversary, so that we could go kayaking together. We both loved it and were getting a great deal of use out of it. We had one of our best Date Nights of the year out on the water together.

I was also using the kayak to do research for a book about great paddling outings in and around the Twin Cities. I have found that getting out on the water is one of the best ways for me to connect with nature here in the cities, and I want to share that experience with others. The Oru Kayak was perfect for exploring the many lakes and rivers found in every corner of the cities. Its easy to transport, easy to get in and out of the water, and easy to paddle. It's a great kayak.

The TEDx Talk Went Great

Engaged students watch my TED talk

Driving down to Northfield, it became clear that the situation was out of my hands. I couldn't do anything about my car or my kayak. The only thing I could do was get up on the TEDx stage and perform to the best of my ability. I could allow my car being stolen to take me away from the audience and away from the principles I wanted to share; or I could let it be a testament to how well these teachings really work. I could try to "plow through," or I could relax and accept. Fortunately, my training kicked in and I relaxed.

I decided that I would tell the audience what happened that morning--but I had no idea what I would say. When I got out on stage, the words came out naturally. I said I had been given an unexpected gift that morning. I had been given a chance to practice relaxation in the face of challenging circumstances. Once I shared about it, the events from the morning went out of my mind. The talk went off without a  hitch, and got a great response from the audience. In the end, the principles and the teachings my mentors have trained me in for so many years shone brilliantly. Relaxation truly is the key to optimal performance.

The Car is Recovered (Mostly)

I got back home early that evening and called the police again. I learned that my car had already been recovered and was sitting in the St. Paul impound lot. I jumped on my bike and headed down hoping the kayak was still there. But it was not to be. The car had been cleaned out. The hood, fenders and radiator had been stripped off. The trunk and glove box had both been emptied. Even the trunk liner was gone. Only two things that hadn't been taken: my 10 year old road atlas and my business mileage log--a 3"x5" notepad that will be worth about $300 to me at tax time. I counted the blessing!

I had the car towed to Phalen Park Auto, where Kwan Chen put it back together for about half the cost I was expecting. I counted another blessing. Kwan is a class act, and I highly recommend Phalen Park Auto if you need car service near St. Paul's East Side.

Hope for Replacing the Kayak

On November 1, just a couple weeks after the theft, I got another unexpected blessing. Oru Kayak launched a video contest. The winning video would receive a brand new Oru Kayak. I got a chance to replace the kayak! I had never made a video before, but I was pretty determined. Videos were due at midnight on November 30. I got mine in with a few hours to spare and was fortunate enough to have it selected as a finalist.

Now the 5 top videos are posted on the Oru Kayak website for the public to vote on. The video that gets the most votes by December 31 wins. And now, once again, things are out of my hands. I have a chance to replace Meredith's and my much-loved Oru Kayak--but only with the support of friends, family, and many people I might never meet. If you would like to help me, here is what you can do:

My video: Fold Into Nature

1. Follow this link to visit orukayak.com and vote for my video titled Fold into Nature
2. Share this story with as many people as you can!

You can share this blog using the buttons below

With your help, I can replace my Oru Kayak and be back on the water and back to work on my book when the lakes thaw here in Minnesota.

Making it Look Right

A few years ago, I was attending a Ki-Aikido seminar in Lawrence, KS, taught by Christopher Curtis Sensei—the chief instructor of the Hawaii Ki Federation. Curtis Sensei is an excellent mentor. He is a superb model of mind-body unification, he is keenly observant, and he is skilled at exposing a students edge. At this particular seminar, Curtis Sensei exposed a very raw edge of mine that was affecting my training, my teaching, and my daily life.

Curtis Sensei had brought me up in front of the group to demonstrate the Ki-Aikido technique he had been teaching. I did my best, which I thought was decent though far from perfect. I waited for Curtis Sensei's corrections and was looking forward to his guidance on how I could improve. He turned to the group and asked, “What did you think?” No one said anything, but their body language spoke volumes. Nearly everyone was shifting back and forth and looking up with quizzical, skeptical, slightly strained expressions. They seemed to all be saying, “There is something off, but I can't quite put my finger on it.”

Curtis Sensei easily read their silent communication. “I know why your all having trouble,” he said in his warm, baritone voice, “it's because Jon is so good... at making it look right.” Then Curtis Sensei looked over at me with a big smile on his face and said, “with one hand he giveth, and with the other he taketh away.” We all laughed. But Curtis Sensei was giving me an important lesson in that moment—one that has continued to deepen for me in the years since.

I am good at making it look right. In fact, I have given a lot of attention over the years to making things look right. After all, my students learn by watching me—I need to show them what the techniques we do are supposed to look like. What Curtis Sensei was showing me in that moment, however, was how much I had gotten caught up in outward appearance. I knew there was something wrong with my technique, but rather than diving in and looking for the source of the problem myself, I focused on the outer form—trying to make it look right.

Over the years, I have looked at where else in my life I get caught up in the outer form at the expense of substance. Not surprisingly, it showed up all over. It showed up in my writing, in my teaching, in my relationships, in how I looked after my house and my car. But the big eye opener came for me as I started to ask why. Why was I so driven to make things look right? The answer was obvious, if unpleasant. I was more concerned with getting credit and praise than with actually producing results.

I make things look right so that people will notice. So that I will be praised. Because that is how I will get acceptance and love. And I am very good at it. And it does not work.

A few months after the seminar with Curtis Sensei, I went out on a date with a wonderful woman named Meredith. I was quite enamored with Meredith and unconsciously fell into the habit of showing off for her. I wanted to earn her attention. This was, not surprisingly, a huge turn off. After a few dates, she told me she wasn't interested in pursuing a deeper relationship and wanted to keep our friendship casual. Fortunately, Curtis Sensei's teaching was still fresh in my mind and I was able to see what I was doing. I realized that Meredith had already offered her time and attention to me freely. I was saw that I was disrespecting the gift of her time by continuing to vie for her attention. I saw that I was—as Curtis Sensei put it to me so bluntly—being vapid. I shared all this with her, apologized for being a show-off and for trying to earn her attention and praise, and thanked her for sharing her time with me so generously. A year later we were married.

This November, Curtis Sensei is coming back to Lawrence to teach again. I am looking forward to the seminar, and looking forward to having a new edge exposed in my training.

Relaxation: A Key to Optimal Performance Part 1

In a few weeks, I will be giving a TED talk at the Carleton College TEDx conference. I'll be talking about relaxation as a key to optimal performance. Most of us understand that relaxation is important. Chronic stress can seriously hamper our performance and our health. We realize that it is important to relax between periods of peek effort.

Teaching how to relax without collapsing.

What I will discuss, however, is that relaxation is a key to optimal performance during peak efforts. To fully appreciate this, we need to understand the principle of relaxation that I have been taught by my Aikido mentors over the past 18 years. In this post, I will discuss what I mean by relaxation. In a future post, I will share simple techniques for relaxing and how you can apply those techniques in your day to day life.

We are Stronger When We Relax

When we are relaxed and calm, we are able to perform to the best of our ability. Our efforts naturally produce movement, momentum, and results. When we are tense and anxious our performance suffers. Our efforts are absorbed by friction and dissipated as heat. We are often left feeling thwarted or ineffective.

Try this simple exercise: Spread your fingers apart as wide as possible and make your whole hand and forearm as tense as you can. Make it really tight. Now shake your tense hand back and forth as fast as you can. Not very fast is it? Now, relax your hand and forearm completely. Again, shake your hand back and forth as fast as you can. You should be able to shake it much faster.

Click here to Tweet this:

"When we are tense, our effort is absorbed as friction. When we are relaxed, our efforts produce momentum." @JonathanPoppele

Being able to move our body quickly is a key to performance in elite athletics and in martial arts. Being able to move our mind quickly is a key to performance in every area of life. Relaxing allows us to be quick and responsive, open the door to optimal performance. In stressful situations, however, we may feel that if we relax we will loose our "edge." To move beyond this, we need to understand the difference between relaxation and collapse.

Relaxation is Different than Collapse

When I run beginning Aikido classes, I always ask the new students what comes to mind when they hear the phrase "relax completely." What comes to mind when you hear that phrase? Most people get an image of collapsing on a sofa or lounging in a hammock--half asleep. This is not the kind of relaxation I mean here. In Ki-Aikido, we refer to this condition as collapse. In this state, we cannot perform at a peak level. Our body, and likely our mind as well, are unprepared for action.

Using the wooden sword to practice relaxed attention.

The condition of relaxation that we study in Ki-Aikido is a condition of relaxed attention in which we do exactly what is needed--with no wasted effort. We recognize this condition of vibrant calmness in top athletes, or virtuoso musicians. Even in high pressure situations, these individuals display a deep level of relaxation that allows them to perform to the best of their ability.

Actually, the condition of collapse gets in the way of true relaxation. When we collapse, we have a looseness and floppiness about us. When things around us move or change, we are jarred and jolted. The condition of collapse also dulls our awareness and makes it less likely that we will feel changes taking place around us. Since we live in a world that is constantly moving and changing, collapsing ultimately lead to tension and stress--especially if we are out to develop ourselves or broaden our reach in the world.

In an upcoming post, I will examine how we can learn to relax--not just when we are on vacation, but in any situation. The techniques do take practice, but they can be applied anywhere and under any circumstances to help you perform to the best of your ability. Stay tuned!

Resources

Want to learn more from my Ki-Aikido mentors about relaxation? Here are a few links to check out:

• Dr. David Shaner, my teacher, Chief Instructor of the Eastern Ki Federation, and author of Seven Arts of Change: Leading Business Transformation that Lasts, discusses the application of "The Art of Relaxation" to business change initiatives. [watch the video]
• Shinichi Tohei Sensei, President of the International Ki-Aikido Society, writes about the true meaning of "Calming the Mind." [read the blog]
• Christopher Curtis Sensei, Chief Instructor of the Hawaiian Ki Federation, hosts a discussion on the principle of relaxation in Ki-Aikido training. [download the transcript of the mp3 audio].

Posture and Leadership

Prof. Amy Cuddy

I've been thinking a lot about posture recently. Those of you who know me well know that I often think a lot about posture, but I have run across a few things recently that have helped pique my interest. It started with an excellent TED talk by Amy Cuddy about the effect of posture on our hormone levels. Professor Cuddy is a psychologist who teaches in the Harvard Business School. One of her research findings has been that sitting or standing in a confident, assertive posture for two minutes significantly lowered a person's cortisol levels while raising their testosterone levels. Research participants who did this were shown to be more confident, more relaxed, respond more positively to stress and to come across as more “genuine” in follow-up interviews. Sitting in a withdrawn posture had an opposite effect.

Tweet this: 

“Ourbodies change our minds, & our minds can change our behavior, & our behavior can change our outcomes” -Amy Cuddy via @JonathanPoppele

(Click on the link above to Tweet this message)

Professor Cuddy's research points to an important and easily overlooked element of our posture. How we sit and stand affects our mental and emotional balance as well as our physical balance. It also affects how others see us, how we experiences ourselves, and how we interpret events around us. In the Embodied Leadership workshop series, we regularly explore posture as a foundation for our presence in the world. Our last workshop finished up with short exercise on the effect of natural posture on others' perceptions of us. Facing a partner, we practiced sitting in a slumped posture, a tense posture, and a natural posture. In each posture, we introduced ourselves to our partner as a leader in our field. I would say “Hello, I am Jonathan Poppele, the founder of the Embodied Leadership training program.” Afterward, we shared our experiences from these three introductions. The differences were striking.

Participants commented that when their partner was sitting in a natural posture, he or she came across as more genuine, more credible, more approachable, and more competent. My partner for the exercise was the executive director of a rapidly growing national non-profit. When she introduced herself in a collapsed posture, she came across to me as unprofessional and unimportant. When she introduced herself in a tense posture, she came across to me as pretentious and self-promoting. In both cases, I found myself feeling dismissive toward her and her credentials. It wasn't that I wanted to write her off—that was just the first feeling that showed up. When she introduced herself in a natural posture, she came across to me as engaging, passionate and caring. I found myself wanting to learn more about her and her work.

The day after the Embodied Leadership workshop, I attended an all day training on teaching techniques. This training was led by three career academics. All three had Ph.D.s and decades of experience teaching in their fields. At the start of the training, all three introduced themselves. As they listed their impressive credentials, I found myself feeling turned off. Why were they tooting their own horns like this? It seemed unnecessary, pretentious, and self-promoting. Then I remembered my experience with my partner in the Embodied Leadership workshop and realized they were just tense! I was left wondered how many times I have turned people off because I had a tense posture. I promised myself to practice even more sincerely.

Tweet this:

A natural posture creates a solid foundation for leadership. @JonathanPoppele

(Click on the link above to Tweet this message)

How about you? What have you noticed about the effect of your posture on your attitude, and on other people's attitudes toward you? How do you react to other people's posture? I look forward to hearing from you.

Deep Listening, Part 2

Exploring Deep Listening at a recent Lunch & Learn

In my last blog post, I discussed the kinds of activities that most of us engage in when other people are talking to us. I pointed out that these activities, such as categorizing, planning, evaluating, and relating, are distinct from listening. All of them involve some kind of filtering. When we filter, we miss out on much of what our conversation partner is sharing with us. We limit ourselves to partial or intermittent listening and squander an opportunity for real communication.

To move from intermittent listening to deep listening, we first need to explore what makes up a communication. It is useful to think of a communication as being made up of three distinct elements of it: words, feelings, and values.*

Words: The first element of a communication is what a person is saying. Listening to a person's words means letting in exactly what she is saying, exactly the way she is saying it. Often, in our efforts to categorize, evaluate or relate to what another person is saying, we focus on the “gist” of their communication, and not the words they actually said. Unfortunately, that “gist” is a filtered understanding—not the communication that was actually delivered.

When I was being trained to listen to another person's words, I was asked by my teachers to mirror back to practice partners what they were saying. Often, I would get it wrong. I would choose words that captured my interpenetration of what they said. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even realize I was doing that. I actually thought I was repeating back the same words my partner had said. Over time, however, I got better and better at listening to what another said without adding, subtracting or changing anything.

Feelings: When we act or speak, our action or speech is colored by our emotions. If I say something while I am upset or disappointed, it is different than if I say something while I am happy or excited. Even if I use exactly the same words, the communication is distinct. To understand what another person is communicating, we also need to understand the experience or feeling that the person is having while they are talking.

Fortunately, human beings are naturally empathetic. When we give someone our attention, it is natural for us to feel what they are feeling. It can take a while to learn to open up to what others are feeling and distinguish it from what we are feeling ourselves. With practice, however, we can become quite skilled at listening to other people's experiences and feelings.

Values: Every communication begins with a spark of motivation. There is a reason why a person chooses to open her mouth and express something. To understand what another person is communicating, we need to understand what motivated the communication.

A good place to begin practicing this is with ourselves. The more familiar you are with what motivates your own communications, the easier it is to understand what motivates others. We are more alike than different in that way.

In a future blog post, I will share more about listening for feelings and values, and how connecting with nature can teach us to do that.

* I was first exposed to these three elements of communication through Harvel Hendrix and Helen Hunt's excellent book "Getting the Love You Want." Years later, I had the opportunity to get extensive training in a similar model through Landmark. Since my training at Landmark, I have also encountered these three elements of communication in the work of The Art of Hosting, and Non-Violent Communication.

Deep Listening, Part 1

My mentor, Jon Young

Last Saturday I flew back from Santa Cruz, CA, where I had spent a few days working with one of my mentors. Jon Young is an expert in mentoring and cultural repair. He is also a world-class naturalist and one of the best listeners I have ever met.

A week before my trip, I lead a workshop on deep listening. As I always do when I present on this topic, I started off by asking the group to share what they do when they are engaged in conversation and the other person is talking. Their answers were typical for a group of sincere committed professionals, and included such things as:

• Categorizing
• Planning
• Evaluating
• Relating
• Processing
• Remembering
• Strategizing
• Incorporating

Do these look familiar? What do you do while you are engaged in conversation and another person is talking? Is it similar?

One thing we can notice as we look over this list is that everything on it is distinct from listening. And yet these are exactly the things that most of us do in conversation, most of the time. When another person is talking, we are usually doing something other than listening. We are filtering.

When we try to process, relate, categorize, or even just understand, we filter out everything that we don't consider important. What passes through these filters is our own version of what another person has said, rather than with what the other person was out to communicate. We are left with an experience of ourselves—of our thoughts, our ideas, and our reactions. We also leave our conversation partner with an experience of us and our thoughts, ideas and reactions. We could (generously) call this partial listening or intermittent listening.

Jon Young developed his exceptional listening skills by sitting still in the woods, listening to the quietest sounds in nature. By focusing on the quietest sounds, Jon learned to set his filters aside and just listen. As a result, when you talk to Jon, he hears what is important to you rather than what is important to him. You are left with an experience of yourself; an experience of your own thoughts and ideas—perhaps ones you did not even know you had. This is deep listening.

In a future blog post, we will explore more about levels of listening, and how we can cultivate our own capacity for deep listening.

Until then, I invite you to take a few moments to sit back, relax, and listen to the quietest sounds in your environment. What is it like to listen without any filtering?

Getting Un-Stuck

We all get stuck sometimes.

Rose Arrowsmith-DeCoux getting un-stuck.

Recently, I was talking with a client about her plans to expand career as a creative professional. Rose Arrowsmith-DeCoux is a talented writer, performer, and performance coach and wants to develop her business as a creativity coach—leading retreats and working one-on-one with artists and writers. I had a chance to see Rose in action, and to get coaching from her myself, when the two of us led a winter retreat together at a north woods cabin. She is truly gifted at helping people tap into their own creative expression. You can learn more about Rose here.

As Rose talked about pursuing her path as a creativity coach, however, a string of worries crept in to her speaking. Rose questioned how she would ever be taken seriously, how she would ever make enough money, why she can't ever seem to grow up and have a “real” career. She felt embarrassed about calling the many artists she knows to invite them to her upcoming creativity retreats. So she wasn't calling. And no one was registering. She was stuck and nothing around her was moving. Sound familiar?

How many times have you been stuck? How many times have your own worries stopped you from doing what you felt called to do? Sometimes, these worries operate in the background. Going almost unnoticed, we don't even realize why we never pursue our dreams. We convince ourselves that it is impractical, or even impossible to do so. Other times, we recognize these worries. Perhaps we even recognize that they are irrational. Yet they continue to stop us. We believe that we need to work through these negative views—conquer our inner demons—before we can be successful. Thankfully, this is not the case. The Art of Living Naturally provides a path for defusing the power of these views and directing our energy back to our dreams and our calling. Below, you will find a simple exercise to hep you get "un-stuck" in pursuing your own dreams.

After working though an exercise like the one below, Rose found herself un-stuck. She felt inspired by her own calling and inspired by the artists and creative professionals in her life. Within hours of our conversation, she had begun calling artists to personally invite them to her upcoming retreat—a simple action she had been resisting for weeks. Serendipitously, she also began to receive online requests for information about the retreats from people she had never met. All of Rose's worries were still there, but she was no longer stuck. Her energy was now being directed toward fulfilling her dream instead of worrying about it.

An Exercise for getting "Un-Stuck"

This is a four part exercise.
The whole thing will take 10 – 20 minutes. 

Part I: Identifying the Dream

On a clean sheet of paper, write out a brief description of what you want to pursue or feel called to do. For Rose, it was being a creativity coach. For you, it may be being a watercolor painter, or a toy designer, or a women's health advocate.

Next, name the category or group that you associate with that dream. For Rose, the category was being an artist. For you it may be being a freelancer, or an entrepreneur, or a social services worker. 

Part II: Getting the Junk Out

List out at least 10 reflexive views you have about that group. Use this opportunity to get the junk out. Get present to all those negative views. For example:

1. Freelancers can't get a mortgage
2. Freelancers can't afford health care
3. Freelancers are running away from having a real job
4. Freelancers can't plan for retirement
5. Freelancers are loaners who never fit in
6. …

Keep going until you have at least 10. If you have more than 10, then just keep going until you are done.

Look back at your list. Begin by noticing that everything that you just wrote is, in fact, there for you. These are real thoughts that you really have. Acknowledge that these views are present.

Next, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are these views valid? That is, can you find evidence to support them? (the answer to this should be "yes")
• Are these views true? That is, would any objective observer agree with these statements? (the answer should be a pretty obvious “no”).

Now, let that all in. These views are present. They are valid. And they are not the truth.

Part III: Creating Space

Now, flip the paper over and create a new list. On this list, write out all of your highest ideals about the group. All the good qualities that you believe in your heart members of this group can exhibit. Again, write out at least 10 views, and keep going if you have more. For example:

1. Freelancers are independent thinkers
2. Freelancers are nimble and able to respond quickly to clients needs
3. Freelancers have diverse professional and social networks
4. Freelancers are really interesting people
5. Freelancers have the flexibility to craft a life that works
6. …

Again, look back at your list and notice that everything you just wrote is, in fact, there for you. Acknowledge that these views are present.

Again, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are these views valid? That is, can you find evidence to support them? (the answer to this should be "yes")
• Are these views true? That is, would any objective observer agree with these statements? (the answer should be a pretty obvious “no”).

Now, let that all in. These views are also present. They are also valid. And they are also not the truth.

Part IV: Take Action

When you complete this exercise, you may have a sense of freedom or ease around your dream. You may feel a little less stuck. Take that opportunity to create. Then take one action that is consistent with your dream.